Some Deep Shadow Work

22nd March 2019

The powerful planetary energies did not fail to deliver: Spring equinox combined with last night's full moon in relationship-focused Libra lead me into deep reflection about myself in relationship today.

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I'm in a deep and safely-held container on my Shamanic Breathwork training, plus I got my blood today, so my emotions jumped at the opportunity to flow freely!

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I hadn't heard from my beloved for a few days and was starting to check my phone more regularly than I'd like to see if he had messaged me. I felt uncomfortable with the compulsive energy that was driving this behaviour.

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Deep down, I knew everything was fine...I knew he was just busy and I could still feel him in my energy field loving me and wanting to connect with me but not finding time to do so.

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So, I knew all this was just insecurities and not reality, yet my compulsions to see if he had messaged persisted and I didn't like how it was feeling.

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I remembered something he said to me: "whenever a wound surfaces for me, I just go in and feel it and let it pass". I decided to take his advice...

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I'm going to share my experience here because I'm passionate about people feeling more at ease with being human and I hope that by sharing openly, I may inspire others and gift feelings of oneness and sameness to those also seeking deeper self-acceptance. πŸ’–

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I felt into the emotions that rose if I told myself what my ego wanted to say: "he hasn't messaged you and doesn't care about you! He isn't going to message you."

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I discovered quite a fascinating, dark trail of beliefs...

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I first of all noticed that I felt scared he didn't want to connect with me any more...that maybe he'd gone off me or that I didn't matter to him any more.

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"And, if this was true, then what?"

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I realised I would feel like a failure and would feel humiliated. I would feel like a fool for having trusted him and I noticed I even thought some pretty harsh things like "I would feel like an idiot".

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It was surprising to me that I was holding these beliefs. "Then what?" I asked myself.

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I'd feel like I couldn't trust myself. That I had been an idiot. That I could no longer trust my own judgement.

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I was curious why I thought my beloved might no longer be interested in me...why would that change?

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I realised I believed I'm not interesting enough for men to stay interested in me - I believe that I have to keep communication alive otherwise they will forgot me ("I'm forgettable") and would just loose interest in me... that I wasn't "enough" just as I am.

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Wow, these were some pretty tough beliefs! I was on a roll and so kept digging...

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"Why would men lose interest in me?"

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Because when people get to know me better, they leave. When they see my fiery parts and/or my insecurities, they leave.

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I realised I was holding a belief that these parts of me were unloveable! Even more shocking, I found a belief that told me: "no one knows ALL of me and loves me...people like me because they only know parts of me and not the whole...no one who knows the all of me, loves me".

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Wow! That was yucky. Needless-to-say, I was in a lot of tears now.

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But, what was fascinating was another part of me was saying "this is all rubbish!...I don't believe these things"

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Yet, on some level, some part of me DID believe them otherwise it wouldn't be playing out as discomfort when my beloved didn't message me!

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I kept digging, curious when I would find the bottom of this mental spiral and how I would feel when I got there.

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From the belief that parts of me were unloveable, it wasn't much of a jump for my ego to conclude: "I am unloveable. No one will ever get to know all of me and stay...I will be alone".

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There...it was! The biggy!

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"Then what?" I asked.

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"I am unloveable and no one will love me. I will be alone".

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As I let this possibility sink in, it felt oddly comforting...like I didn't have to worry any more. If no one loved me and I was alone, some how I was sort of safe. There was no more pain. I had found certainty. A lack of unknowns. It felt stable...calm. A sense of there being nothing more I could do.

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"And then what?" I asked myself.

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"I guess I just carry on. Plough my focus into my work: into my purpose. ...Someone will love me eventually".

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And suddenly I found peace. "Someone will love me eventually". THIS was my core belief!

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Underneath all the ego bullshit, my belief was "I am totally fine". I can just carry on... "I AM loveable!"

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This felt good. I'd gone all the way to the bottom. I'd sunk as deep as this trail of thoughts would take me and I cried a tonne of tears.

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And, ultimately, I'd be ok.

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It no longer mattered if my beloved messaged me or not.

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That had only been important because I was trying to avoid all of the feelings above!

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But I'd felt them now. I had been there - in the pain - and I was still alive, still loving me. If anything, I was loving me a little more because I was now able to see all these beliefs I didn't know I was holding - and accept a new layer of myself.

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By going into the pain and digging out the beliefs, I'd taken their power away. Taken the wind out their sails. They couldn't mess with me any more.

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I was able to return back to the knowledge that my beloved loves me, he is just busy and - even if he does leave me and I end up all alone, I can just carry on with my life and my purpose knowing that someone else will love me with time πŸ’—

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Isn't it amazing how our ego can manufacture all these beliefs to keep us small and scared of living our full potential? Of being the magnificent beings we really are?

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Thank you, beloved, if you are reading this - for encouraging me to to feel whenever something uncomfortable comes up, so that I can feel to the bottom of it and move through it, taking the wind out of its sails and claiming back my power πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’–πŸŒŸ