My Inner Masculine

31st Oct 2017

I’d had a rough few days.

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When my relationship ended amicably, with huge amounts of love, respect, honesty, we said how we would be friends - tribe even - and not to be strangers.

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We had such a magical relationship, so this ending felt completely aligned with our way of relating.

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However, since then I’ve experienced feeling a huge distance between us. Of course it’s normal in the beginning, but there had been no acknowledgement of the distance and those last words still rang in my ears... wanting a friendship.

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This weekend things surfaced. The distance became so glaringly obvious - I had been FEELing it for weeks, but now my mind had more tangible evidence, so I finally felt able to label it and bring it up for discussion - and it was owned.

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Oh my God, the relief. What I’d been feeling was validated. I CAN TRUST ME!!! I can trust Me. 🌟🌟🌟

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I felt the distancing all along, but felt so conflicted by the truth of words versus the truth of feeling...

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That conflict had sent me into a trigger-hell Friday night and I was thrust deep into pain.

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I felt abandoned. I felt unimportant. I felt rejected. I felt betrayed. Everything we had built now felt unsafe.

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I was a mess.

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I reached out to a conscious friend who helped me process and see these patterns. And I used some emotional release tools to shift the energy in my being. Eventually I could rest that night.

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The next day, I battled to stay present with anything but, for a few hours, found relief and enjoyment. Then unexpectedly, later, something threw me back into the mix and I sat in a confused state of victim for several hours.

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Sitting stuck in victim is not a common occurrence for me and I struggled to comprehend why I couldn’t find my way out of it.

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Where was my inner masculine? Why was he not showing up to hold space for me, to support me, to carry me home?

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I looked within for him, but he was nowhere to be found! I’ve never not found him before.

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I asked myself what age I felt? Then I realised who am I asking...my feminine or masculine? Normally I don’t distinguish between the two when asking this question...

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Finally I found my inner masculine...crumbled and wounded at age 7.

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There he was! No wonder I couldn’t find him! He had no idea what to do.

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My inner feminine was wounded too and about age 14-16. She was seething - which was the victim energy I could feel myself sitting in.

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This awareness helped something in me shift. Maybe it was just compassion and understanding for the situation I found myself in... but finally, I could feel my today’s masculine return.

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Slowly, my shoulders broadened, my back straightened and I could feel my sense of presence return. It was almost impossible to think clearly due to the chaos of emotions flooding my system, but I was able to ask my masculine “Can you take me home?”

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He tried to think for a moment, attempting to clear the deep foggy haze in my head. Slowly, he saw a way forward.

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His only words were “Right, come on, I’m taking this beautiful princess home”.

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And, one step at a time, he picked me up, gathered my belongings and escorted me to my transport.

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I still felt exceptionally weak, drained and vulnerable, but I let my inner masculine guide me and step-by-step, victimhood left me.

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My journey home was around an hour and, by the time I got there, I felt almost normal again - it was such a transformation!

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Not only did I gain a huge amount of awareness around those triggers, and how I feel when they manifest all together, but I also learned that I can TRUST me.

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I can Trust what I Feel to be True. And I can trust Me to pick Me up and take Me home. 💗💗💗