Deepening Of Trust
Deepening Of Trust
I'm in the process of learning to trust at a deeper level and it feels both exciting and scary.
Throughout most of my adult life, I've needed people to reassure me constantly that I'm still loved.
In relationships, if I didn't hear from a lover for a day or more, I'd feel convinced they'd lost interest in me or I'd done something to make them leave me.
I would often text a lover purely to get back an affirmation that they still loved me. That I still mattered. That I hadn't been abandoned.
It was EXHAUSTING to be in relationship with me. And even with friendships, if I didn't speak to someone for a few weeks, I'd assume they no longer liked me or I'd done something to upset them.
I lived in constant fear of being rejected and abandoned.
Working on self-love has played a MASSIVE part in helping me change this.
I started giving myself permission to really LIKE ME and to audibly call out things about myself I liked. I used to walk down Baker Street in London (where I worked) saying out-loud things such as "I am beautiful", "I am smart", "I am a kind person".
I didn't care what people thought because learning to be KIND to ME was more important than anything in the world. How could anyone love me if I couldn't love myself?
I absolutely had to change this pattern of needing reassurance to feel loved.
And it worked! It took some time but it worked!! 🎉
Every now and then this is still a challenge for me and I'm noticing today is one of those days.
It's been an emotionally tough day being in an environment more challenging than my usual and I received news that a lover I was looking forward to seeing will first take a week with another of their lovers before being able to spend time with me.
When I first learned this, my inner child screamed "why not me?!" "why does that other lover get time before I do?!" and...underneath this...the fear "why am I not important? Why don't I matter?"
I was able to hold this younger version of myself with love and enquire into what felt difficult for her and, as soon as I found this underlying fear, I could hold her and remind her how much I love me, how much this person also loves me, how connected we felt when we were last together and how much they have chosen to stay in touch with me whilst they've been away.
Returning to and reminding myself of actual "facts" has been a key part in helping me reprogram this deep-seated abandonment and 'not good enough' fear.
Another key part has been reminding myself of my value; my worth. Reminding me of all the self love I taught myself... I'm an amazing woman, with a tonne to offer and I'm a gift to be around.
It's still hard for me to fully own those qualities but I can also see them to be true.
I'm sharing all of this because even though I've made peace with my lover taking time to tend their other relationship, right now, in this moment, I'm also feeling 'forgotten' by a dear friend who I'm looking forward to having some one-to-one time with, which hasn't yet materialised.
We've both expressed desire for this to happen and I even have a gorgeous voice message from them confirming they want for us to connect, yet the time between us suggesting this and making it happen is feeling challenging for me and is activating those old wounds...fearing that they've changed their mind or I've done something for them to leave me.
These core wounds never truly resolve...there will always be things that trigger us back into those patterns...but what does change is how we hold ourselves THROUGH the wound. How we can be kind to ourselves and seek evidence of the fear being INVALID rather than true.
So, I'm going to listen to that voice message again and remind myself how amazing I am and how much this friend adores me and wants to make time for me. I will remember it's a crazy busy time of year and having a busy schedule doesn't mean they don't love me. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am important and I am loved 🌟💗🌟
Self love is an ongoing learning; an never ending discovery of ways to soothe myself, be kind to myself, look for evidence supporting love rather than lack and taking time to feel my feelings rather than push them away.
It's not easy but it sure as hell is worth it! It's totally life changing. Reach out to me if you'd like support to love yourself more fully. I'm running a self-compassion workshop on 5th January and have a few video call slots available through the month 💕💗💕
29 December 2018