Choosing Integrity & Conscious Endings

31st March 2019

Over the last month, it's become increasingly obvious that a connection I've been in needed to change.

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The connection had been feeling more and more painful for me and I knew I had to let go of wanting it to return to how it used to be - that phase of our journey had completed it's cycle.

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It was time to set some boundaries and allow our former dynamic to die and allow a new way of relating to emerge.

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Whilst this has been happening, I've been deeply immersed in my Shamanic Breathwork training, so finding time and space for this important conversation was difficult.

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As the days passed, I started to suppress the pain and disconnect from the emotion it was bringing up. There never felt like a right moment to prioritise the chat, so I started to numb-out.

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I noticed today that I'd reached a state of no longer caring if the conversation took place or not. I'd become sufficiently disconnected from the pain that I considered abandoning the conversation completely...just walking away from this connection, leaving things unsaid and energetically incomplete.

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Somehow this option felt easier than re-opening to feel the pain of losing this love.

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I gave it great thought... How would I feel in a few days if I did this? How would I feel in a few weeks? Would I regret it?

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I wasn't sure... I suspected I may regret it, but the thought of opening myself up to the pain I'd neatly packaged away felt deeply undesirable.

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As I considered more how I might feel, I realised there was a bigger piece at play...

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My integrity.

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Do I want to be someone who walks away from relationships with feelings unsettled and words unsaid? ...Or do I believe in closing with love, appreciation and conscious awareness?

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The answer was non-negotiable.

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If I wanted to be someone who loves openly and fiercely and closes with love and honouring, I had to have this conversation...I had to face my pain.

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I decided that if my connection was free to talk, now would be the moment. I trusted that the universe would support me if this was the right thing to do...and, of course, it did and they were available.

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We talked about what we have both been experiencing and I spoke of my pain. I shared how much I appreciated this person for the beautiful, loving and expansive journey we've shared over the last 18 months and my gratitude for all it has brought me. I spoke of my current needs and how I felt our connection was no longer meeting these. I shared that I could still feel love from this being and that I still loved them also, but the way we loved was different from how the other wanted and needed to receive love.

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I cried and they listened, sharing their perspective too. I stated some boundaries I needed to put in place, so that I could transition into a new way of loving this person - one more from a distance, although still keeping open a friendship and communication when we felt desire for that. We both shared what we appreciated about each other and hugged, expressing our gratitude for what has been and still remains.

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It was a beautiful conversation and it invited a gentle shift in energy between us, leaving us both feeling much more at ease. All the tension that had built up between us had gone...we were at peace again. We had lovingly honoured and closed out this phase of our connection and were now consciously entering a new, different phase.

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Only time will tell what this new form of connection looks like, but we know we still have each others' back, we still hold love for the other and our friendship is in tact.

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I'm so grateful for that moment of clarity that called me to my integrity.

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...For remembering the importance of showing up for myself and what I believe in - even when it's hard and feels painful.

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...For the importance of loving myself enough to do what I know is right even when I've become so lost in my pain that I've forgotten my love for the other.

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Giving this connection a Conscious Ending meant finding the courage to face the pain I was holding inside - but it allowed us to come back to ease and love and to preserve - maybe even deepen - our friendship.

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So, tonight, I'm celebrating Integrity and Conscious Endings! 🌟