Our Blog

An ongoing series of informational entries

Basics of Safer Sexual Engagements

5 December 2017

Shared from Philippe Lewis's post.


Here are the basics of safer sexual engagements:


- BOUNDARIES: make it clear to each other where you DON'T want to go with sex.


- DESIRES & PACE: share or make it clear what you enjoy so the other person doesn't have to guess.


- CONSENT: as you go from first to second to third to fourth base, ask for consent. if nothing else, ask for consent around ANY penetration.


- SAFER SEX: use condoms or other barrier for ALL fluid contact with genitals UNLESS you both agree not to use them.


- INTOXICATION: don't have sex intoxicated unless you have a conversation where you both agree intoxication is okay.


- MEANING: ask each other what will it mean if you have sex. ONLY have sex if the meanings are compatible.


- TRAUMA: Share with each other about patterns related to trauma (physical, emotional, sexual) that the other person should know about and how to care for you well if these patterns show up


- TALK: Have a chat about all of the above BEFORE having sex and also include things like latests STD infections, tests, and results.


- FEEDBACK: get in touch with each other after having sex. ask each other how it was and if there is any way to make it better next time without pressure that there will be a next time.


- SAFE SEX: remember: the ONLY safe sex is no sex.

Love Letter to My Heart ๐Ÿ’–

11 June 2018

Dear heart,


I hear you. And I feel your desire.


I hear you feel a soul calling to another and I honour that your wisdom is greater than mine.


Maybe the time will come to journey with this being.


And maybe it won't.


Maybe the opening we feel is a preparation for a next step...


As yet unknown...


Dear heart, I love us far too deeply to diminish our worth by stoking a fire another feels not to tend.


You are far too beautiful, heart, and far too valuable, to waste energy not reciprocated.


I love you, heart!


Let Me be your love.


Let Me hold you... cherish you... fulfil you.


Feel the wholeness that we are, heart.


The completeness.


The fullness.


And stay open, dear heart! Love generously... abundantly... courageously.


I've got you.


I'm holding you.


I'm loving you.


Feel Me, dear heart... feel Me loving you.


You Are Enough.


And we will not settle.


- Natalie Ford, 11/6/18

An Intimate Experience

1 August 2018

I just had the most beautiful experience ๐Ÿ’–


Actually, I just had 2 most beautiful, healing and powerful experiences back-to-back.


My history has been one of not honouring emotions in my body: not giving them space to rise; not feeling it was ok to express them and not wanting to feel them. Also in my history, I have had many years of sexual interactions that i didn't really want to be a part of and I allowed them to happen because I felt it was expected of me or because I believed I had to give that experience to receive love and emotional security. As a result, I created a relationship of deep mis-trust between my body and my mind: for years my body not feeling "safe" to trust that my mind would honour what felt right for my body. This lead to an overall deep mistrust of myself and I've spent the last 5-6 years working hard to heal these wounds.


Tonight I entered a space where intimate connection was available...yet I chose to have a solo experience.


A friend had shared with me that her body had taken her on a powerful solo journey when she allowed herself time and space just to be "be" in this space without connecting to another. I felt inspired to try it...


The space was busy and I found a small area where I could lay on my back and tune into my emotional body. As I lay there, my hands guided themselves over parts of my energy body that drew their attention. Various emotions gently moved within me and I allowed myself to express with gentle sound.


At one point, I became aware that my dress had ridden up very high and my underwear might be on display. The room was dimly lit and many people were half-clothed so it was interesting that this bothered me.


Old, ingrained messages rose in my subconscious about things I'd been told as child and suddenly I felt very young. I heard words "slut", "cheap", "dirty", pass through my thoughts and I allowed myself to fully feel the shame and disgust of momentarily wearing those labels. I didn't adjust my dress and instead chose to stay with these feelings and hear the words in my head until eventually the words faded and the anxiety and emotional discomfort passed.


I stayed with this beautiful self-connection and let emotions rise, where I honoured them and my hands worked magic of energy as my intuition guided them over parts to intensify sensation, allow emotion to be felt, expressed and, therefore, released from my cells.


I enjoyed momentary awareness that I was effectively giving myself a very gentle "Life Empowerment" session - the same as I offer my clients! I enjoyed acknowledging how giving these sessions is helping me to hone the ability of trusting my intuition to identify, move and release stuck energy from not just other's bodies but my own also ๐Ÿ˜Š


Several other moments of intense emotions rose: sadness, anger, shame, vulnerability, fear, not feeling safe, self-judgment, fear of projection from others... and I stayed with them each, feeling them, acknowledging them, expressing them using breathing, gentle sound and subtle movement and letting them pass through me and leave my body.


I questioned why I didn't allow myself this dedicated time and space frequently at home to do this emotionally healing. I recognised I would often start this process and get bored or my mind would convince me of some urgent task that needing doing so I wouldn't stay in it so long - yet, here, in this space of sensuality with others all around me, I realised the subtle sounds and activities of this space were keeping my mind busy in those moments where usually the boredom or urgency of other tasks would creep in. So, here, I could stay much longer in this process.


It took some time, but eventually I felt fully at peace within. All the held energies and emotions had risen, expressed and released and now I felt filled up, nourished and complete.


As I stretched my body in recognition of this yummy state of fullness and completion, my upturned hands were gently caressed by the hands of another whom I could not see. The touch was so gentle and respectful, I didn't feel scared.


I felt curious how much this other person would try to hold on to our connection, so I pulled away to test it - and was relieved and delighted to experience that they allowed our hands to just part; no holding on; no grabbing; no clinging on.


This lack of grasping made me feel safe and so I reached out again for this connection and the gentle, delicate touch returned - still without grasping or "taking" anything from me.


I was intrigued to see who this being was, yet I knew my mind would create barriers to further touch if the person didn't look how i judged a potential partner "should" look... so I resisted the urge to "see" and stayed in the beautiful dance of not knowing, allowing our hands to explore the touch some more.


One of my big fears is people placing expectations on me so, in interactions, for my inner child to feel safe, it's vital for me to feel a lack of expectation. I was acutely tuned into this sense and, a few times, broke the connection from these unknown hands to see how they would react. Each time, they wilfully released me and a feeling of safety and trust began to grow in my body.


Eventually, I felt secure enough in the yumminess of the sensations to allow my mind in on the action and I glanced to see with whom this connection had been created.


It was both an unknown and familiar face: a man I didn't know, yet whom I had definitely seen before. He looked kind and he allowed his face to be expressionless as we held eye contact for the first time.


Had I have met this man in day to day life and he had asked to hold my hands, my mind would have judged him "not my type" and put up blockages to prohibit any interaction. But, here, where the connection had opened before my mind could form any judgements, I discovered the soft, present, sensual touch of this being and now I was opening my soul to let in his expectation-less face and kind eyes.


Our interaction very, very delicately developed into more touch, more eye gazing and holding.


Staying fully in connection with my emotions, I paused whenever my inner child felt frightened or the pace moved too fast for me. I even pulled away mid-kissing because something in my body felt wrong and I needed to stop to check-in with what felt out of alignment.


Throughout it all, this man was patient, calm, open and agenda-less. ***Such profound fucking qualities to possess when in intimate connection***


My mind desperately wanted to attach stories: where does he live? How old is he? Is he single? Has he been here before?

.

I resisted each question recognising my mind was eagerly seeking either blocks to stop me connecting deeper or attachments and fantasy of the possibility of a romantic relationship. Either way my mind was seeking a form of "certainty" - that of either failure or success - because staying in the unknown was vulnerable and difficult...yet I persevered...and forbade my mind any questions except asking his name ๐Ÿ’—


His touch was so present, delicate, and without rushing or grabbing and the trust in my body grew and grew. I felt completely safe. I could walk away from this at any point without fear of accusation of misleading someone or doing wrong: I felt in my power and I felt free.


The face of this man that my mind still judged as "not my type" was kind, gentle and appeared without any false expressions or awkward smiles, which allowed my soul to trust him and judge him as authentic.


Our exploration of each other continued at a beautiful slow pace as we kissed and gently caressed, eventually becoming more and more intimate...our hearts and souls connecting.


The temperature of our connection rose and, as waves of energetic orgasm rippled through my body, I focussed on fully relaxing and not hunting down a climatic experience... just being with whatever moved through me.


The intensity grew and grew and I could feel in me orgasm nearing closer and I had to fight my usual urge to chase the peak experience...instead, each time, relaxing and trusting that whatever would happen would be perfect.


The intensity flowed in waves with moments feeling very excited and moments where the excitement lessened... I allowed it all to ride through me.


Eventually the intensity hit overdrive and, as I focussed on relaxing and not chasing, the most delicious, lasting, expansive, lava-flowing orgasm channeled through my body.... It lasted for multiple minutes and appeared to linger even when it felt like it had completed ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ˜


A whole new level of experience in my body...and all beautifully crafted from complete authenticity, full presence and awareness ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ


Our relating continued until the space shut for the evening and we bade farewell. We expressed desire to continue our connection tomorrow... and also agreed to be in flow and not attach to any specific outcome.


I fucking love living this version of life!


Authenticity, self-connection, deep self-awareness, fullness, honesty, vulnerability, freedom, emotional depth, heart-connection, pleasure, expansion, soul-connection, love, more expansion...


So much depth, juiciness, deliciousness, nourishment, saturation, satisfaction and beyond.


So fucking profound! And worth every bit of effort to get here and to keep showing up... ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰

How I Cleared My Cervix Of The HPV 18 Virus

18 September 2018

I've had a pretty big journey with HPV 18 - one of the cervical-cancer-causing viruses.


For as long as I can remember, my cervical pap-smear test results have always shown "changed cells".


This has meant for most of my life, I've had annual pap-smear tests. I've also had to have multiple colposcopies (camera looking at my cervix) and at least 2 biopsies to check if the cells on my cervix were cancerous - I'm happy to report, all of which came back negative.


About 5 years ago, I started studying Tantra and a huge part of the tantric tradition is for people to be fully connected to their bodies and their sexuality.


I wasn't connected to my body...I was emotionally and sexually shut down.


So, a journey began to reconnect to my body, to feel my emotions and to find my sexual energy. (Actually, the journey to open up my emotions and start my healing started about 11 years ago, but this deepened significantly with tantra).


18 months ago, when my pap-smear test again showed changed cells, the doctor casually mentioned I had HPV (Human Papilloma Virus).

I was horrified - I knew HPV was contagious and my partner would be at risk also from this. I researched and discovered there are many strains of HPV... some cause genital warts (known as "low risk HPV") and others cause cervical cancer (known as "high risk HPV").


The NHS test wasn't able to tell me which strain of HPV I had, so I paid for a private test to find out and learned I had HPV 18 - one of the "high risk" HPVs, that is linked to causing cervical cancer.


Given that I was already being monitored annually for cervical cancer, this didn't bother me. What did bother me, was to discover that I'd actually had HPV for about 4 years and no-one had told me!


As I journeyed deeper into tantra and reconnecting with my body, I learned how unexpressed emotions can create physical disturbances in the body and it became more and more evident that my recurring changed cervical cells and HPV status must be heavily linked to my past emotional suppression and disconnect from my sexual energy.


I set the intention to learn to love and honour my cervix and to reconnect so fully with her, that I could clear the HPV and heal the cells that had for so many years been at risk of turning cancerous.


I took up various practises to restore feeling in my cervix. Tara Yoga Centre in London was amazing at helping to guide me in this. Earlier this year, I also took part in a 3-week intensive course called "Self-Cervix" run by the amazing Olivia Bryant, which gave me tools to clear stale energy from my cervix and release things that may be stored there.


One of the release rituals we did in that course, was so powerful it brought my period 2 weeks early! Talk about cleansing and releasing...


My intentional practise to love and connect to my cervix has continued and, as part of my ISTA Level 2 training in May this year, I released even further any old energy that my cervix was holding on to. I knew after this, something had shifted. I knew I was making progress to let go of the negative energies that had been held in my cervix possibly all of my adult life.


Finally, in August, a skin virus that had been with my body for 7.5 months cleared and I had a sense that my cervix healing was also complete. I retook the paid HPV test to be sure...in fact, I took it twice to be doubly sure!!!


And I am delighted to share that both came back negative - I am officially free of the HPV-18 virus!!! ...AND my smear test this year showed no changed cells ๐ŸŽ‰ ๐ŸŽ‰ ๐ŸŽ‰


I am sat here crying tears of joy and relief as the reality sets in that my cervix is back! She is mine again and I have successfully created a loving connection with her again, honouring her for the magnificent, sacred, precious part of my body that she is.


Thank you, body! Thank you so much for working with me and trusting me again. I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I feel ๐ŸŒŸ ๐Ÿ™ ๐ŸŒŸ

Honesty Is Soo Refreshing!

30 October 2018

I love how refreshing honesty feels!


There are a couple of people I'm attracted to and desiring to get to know better and, this week, I've just been straight-forward honest and told them.


Rather than beating around the bush and pretending I don't feel anything, I said to them: I'd love to spend time with you and get to know you better. Would you like to make a date do that?


Both of them said yes ๐Ÿ˜Š


It feel so good to not hide! To not play games and not sit around waiting, "hoping" for them to approach me.

There's a fine line between chasing people who don't see your value and knowing your value, owning it and having the confidence to ask for what you want.


If you'd like to grow your confidence in these areas, send me message - I have a few appointments still available in November ๐Ÿ’–

Are You Listening To All Decision Centres?

7 December 2018

We have FOUR decision centres in our bodies - not just our head!

They are...our mind, our heart, our emotions and our physical body / genitals.


* Who recognises having made decisions from our head?

* Who recognises having made decisions from our heart?

* And who recognises making decisions from our genitals..?

* What about from our emotions?


Maybe you can see you make decisions more from one of these power centres than the others...

How often are all 4 in agreement???


ISTA - International School of Temple Arts teaches about these decisions centres and the importance of listening to all 4 when we make a decision.


I recently found myself in a situation where my heart and genitals wanted to proceed with an intimate encounter, yet something didn't feel right.


I couldn't put my finger on what it was, I could just feel that some very small part of me felt hesitant.


My head didn't know who to listen to... heart and sex? Or emotional body? 2 against 1....surely majority wins, right??


Well, that would have been my old pattern... To go with how the majority of me felt... in this case, to proceed and ignore the part of me that was scared.


And many thoughts went through my head...


What will they think of me if I stop this? Will they feel rejected? Will I be rejected? What if this opportunity never happens again and I miss out?


It would have been sooo easy to just go with the flow and ignore that small, very quiet niggle that said "But...I'm not sure..."


It took every ounce of courage to change that pattern and say "Can we slow down? Something doesn't feel right"...


And we did slow down...and still the niggle didn't go away...


Do I ignore it? Do I just go along with it?


FUCK, NO.


Does my partner want to have sex with someone who isn't a "hell yes" to it? Does my partner want to later find out a part of me wasn't really ok with it?


NO, THEY DO NOT!!!


So, I honoured it...


"Actually, can we pause? A part of me feels scared and it feels important to acknowledge that".


So we paused and just cuddled.


Actually, I used that pause to then bring up the ISTA safer sex 'elevator speech', so that we could both get clear on what this interaction meant to us, what our boundaries were, express any fears, our desires and also when we last had an STI check up.


And...after that?


My niggle went away ๐Ÿ˜Š


It felt heard. It felt seen. It felt important and acknowledged. And then it felt comfortable ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

Not Being Able To Feel My Pain

25 December 2018

When I felt hurt or stressed, I used to be a "fireball" ...someone who would "spit fire" and emotionally "burn" anyone in my way.

I would push people away, blame them, shame them, make them wrong...all so I didn't have to feel my pain.


I would raise my voice, exhibit aggressive energy and create big fat energetic barriers around me to stop any more pain coming in. It was all I could do to survive.


You see, I wasn't taught about expressing emotions responsibly as a child (very few of us were!) and the adult models in my life were not taught those things either, so we all pushed emotions down or away and did our best not to feel.


Unfortunately, with this model of (lack of) emotional hygiene, when big things happen to us, we push them down and hold them in and try to pretend that we're ok.. but we're not.


Holding in the emotions of every time we got hurt or something bad happened, creates chaos in our body. We become like a volcano ready to erupt.


I was already holding so much pushed-down hurt inside, that every time I made a mistake or feared I was wrong, the pain was too great and I had to push it away...make someone else wrong, blame them or get angry. I just didn't have capacity to feel any more hurt. So... I became a fireball.


Life as a fireball isn't fun. Constantly trying to put out fires and clear up the mess. I wrecked a lot of friendships and relationships. And I hated myself as a result.


If you recognise similar behaviours in yourself, there is hope..!


I am no longer a fireball ๐Ÿ˜Š I learned to feel my emotions, express myself and to develop "healthy" emotional hygiene habits...a bit like brushing your teeth for oral hygiene, I now practise emotional release for emotional hygiene.


I teach these and other skills in my one-to-one sessions. They help you feel healthier, happier and more fulfilled in life. My passion is to empower you to live the fullest, more amazing life you can have!


If you'd like to book in with me, I'm offering 20% off packages paid for by 31st December.

If you're serious about making positive change, message me ๐Ÿ’•

Deepening Of Trust

29 December 2018

I'm in the process of learning to trust at a deeper level and it feels both exciting and scary.


Throughout most of my adult life, I've needed people to reassure me constantly that I'm still loved.


In relationships, if I didn't hear from a lover for a day or more, I'd feel convinced they'd lost interest in me or I'd done something to make them leave me.


I would often text a lover purely to get back an affirmation that they still loved me. That I still mattered. That I hadn't been abandoned.


It was EXHAUSTING to be in relationship with me. And even with friendships, if I didn't speak to someone for a few weeks, I'd assume they no longer liked me or I'd done something to upset them.


I lived in constant fear of being rejected and abandoned.

Working on self-love has played a MASSIVE part in helping me change this.


I started giving myself permission to really LIKE ME and to audibly call out things about myself I liked. I used to walk down Baker Street in London (where I worked) saying out-loud things such as "I am beautiful", "I am smart", "I am a kind person".


I didn't care what people thought because learning to be KIND to ME was more important than anything in the world. How could anyone love me if I couldn't love myself?


I absolutely had to change this pattern of needing reassurance to feel loved.


And it worked! It took some time but it worked!! ๐ŸŽ‰


Every now and then this is still a challenge for me and I'm noticing today is one of those days.


It's been an emotionally tough day being in an environment more challenging than my usual and I received news that a lover I was looking forward to seeing will first take a week with another of their lovers before being able to spend time with me.


When I first learned this, my inner child screamed "why not me?!" "why does that other lover get time before I do?!" and...underneath this...the fear "why am I not important? Why don't I matter?"


I was able to hold this younger version of myself with love and enquire into what felt difficult for her and, as soon as I found this underlying fear, I could hold her and remind her how much I love me, how much this person also loves me, how connected we felt when we were last together and how much they have chosen to stay in touch with me whilst they've been away.


Returning to and reminding myself of actual "facts" has been a key part in helping me reprogram this deep-seated abandonment and 'not good enough' fear.


Another key part has been reminding myself of my value; my worth. Reminding me of all the self love I taught myself... I'm an amazing woman, with a tonne to offer and I'm a gift to be around.


It's still hard for me to fully own those qualities but I can also see them to be true.


I'm sharing all of this because even though I've made peace with my lover taking time to tend their other relationship, right now, in this moment, I'm also feeling 'forgotten' by a dear friend who I'm looking forward to having some one-to-one time with, which hasn't yet materialised.


We've both expressed desire for this to happen and I even have a gorgeous voice message from them confirming they want for us to connect, yet the time between us suggesting this and making it happen is feeling challenging for me and is activating those old wounds...fearing that they've changed their mind or I've done something for them to leave me.


These core wounds never truly resolve...there will always be things that trigger us back into those patterns...but what does change is how we hold ourselves THROUGH the wound. How we can be kind to ourselves and seek evidence of the fear being INVALID rather than true.


So, I'm going to listen to that voice message again and remind myself how amazing I am and how much this friend adores me and wants to make time for me. I will remember it's a crazy busy time of year and having a busy schedule doesn't mean they don't love me. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am important and I am loved ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ’—๐ŸŒŸ


Self love is an ongoing learning; an never ending discovery of ways to soothe myself, be kind to myself, look for evidence supporting love rather than lack and taking time to feel my feelings rather than push them away.


It's not easy but it sure as hell is worth it! It's totally life changing. Reach out to me if you'd like support to love yourself more fully. I'm running a self-compassion workshop on 5th January and have a few video call slots available through the month ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’•

Empowered Healingโ€‹