Becoming My Own Best Friend 💖

27th March 2019

I've been taking some big steps towards self-love this past week.

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Much of the week, I sat with what I call my "victim" - a part of me I have not wanted to acknowledge or feel for 20 years!

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It's the part of me that feels life is tough, life has been a struggle and that remembers all the times I have felt pain. For the first time ever, I started to actually welcome this part of me in...to feel all the pain held in my victim and to be kind to myself in that experience.

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I even found my inner "mother" and was able to soothe myself by stroking my hair and telling myself "I love you", whilst I felt and released some of this pain. It was a huge step for me.

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Today, I took another big step.

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I saw very clearly some examples where my self-worth has got tangled up with other people's opinions of me. And I'm in the process of taking back my value and releasing the people involved from these ties.

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It's been a painful journey - but, I find the most powerful lessons usually are.

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Here's what I discovered...

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I look to men I'm attracted to to affirm my lovability - however, my usual "sources" of these qualities haven't been able to offer them in ways that I can receive, which has left me battling feelings of rejection, unimportance, insignificance, abandonment, unloveableness and unworthiness.

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The more I've felt this pain, the more I've hung hope on these "sources" being able to rescue me. ...Only to be met with disappointment and more pain - it's been a tough journey! 😳

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Additionally, this week I've been gifted an amazing privilege and it has also awoken in me fear that others may harbour feelings of comparison and question my worthiness of receiving this privilege.

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All of this created a turning point...

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Today, I sat and felt it all: the rejection, disappointment, unimportant, fear of what others might think and fear of potential criticism or unkind words that may come towards me.

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As I sat, eating breakfast in the warm Sedona sun, it became so clear.....I am being taught a lesson!! The universe is showing me how volatile safety feels when I look to others to provide it. 😲

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👉🏼 It is not the job of my lover to prop up my self-esteem and flood me with love so I don't have to feel my wounds.

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👉🏼 And - if I want to feel secure - I cannot rely on approval or affirmations from others.

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🔥 Do I want to keep feeling pain of rejection, feeling unloved and fear of attack? Do I want to question my worthiness provided by each reflection from another? ...To live in this constant turmoil of uncertainty and fear? 🔥

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No...I do not!!!

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The only answer is to detach from this way of thinking... untangle my self-worth from the emotional availability of others.

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🌟 To recognise the humanness of each "other" in my world and that their emotional availability revolves around their needs, their wounds, their insecurities and whatever other agenda feels important to them.

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🌟 I have to have my own back!

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🌟 I have to bring my focus inside of myself and find my self-worth within. I have to believe in me. Trust me. See my good qualities and my strengths and champion and celebrate me. And to detach from the reflections of others.

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So, today, in my breathwork, I set the intention "to love me".

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I stayed deeply connected to my body throughout the breathwork journey and fully surrendered to the energy that wanted to me through me. I found myself holding my legs in a butterfly position to induce trembling through my body (T.R.E.), which felt deeply nourishing. A lot of energy awoke in my pelvis and some of it moved upwards through my body, as I surrendered more and more. It was pleasurable and created a very deep state of intimacy in myself.

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Afterwards, my mind was empty. I took myself to my room and snuggled up in my bed. I gently caressed my body and rubbed oil into my skin, massaging my body with dedication, love and presence.

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I spent time loving my body and connecting intimately with myself. As I kissed my upper arms, I whispered "I love you, Natalie Ford. I see you...who you strive to be and how committed you are."

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I massaged the oil into my skin adoringly and found myself saying "I love you so much...you are my best friend", which felt deeply happy to realise it's true! I am committed to showing up for me, loving me and getting to know me more and more...I am starting to become my own best friend 😍